The Me I Want to Be

January 1st, 2014

This idea formed, or started to anyway, in my head a few days ago.  I feel so lost in myself.  It’s as though I am not me, but I’m still here, the real me, trapped away somewhere inside.  Or, maybe the me that is good and joyful, sweet and lovely is stolen, leaving the rough, haggard, ugly me that I hate.  I feel desperate to have the other me back, but void of the necessary emotions to bring her, me, home.

So now you wonder what idea has formed from this depressing and odd thought process?  I have let it go for too many days now, but I hope to regain the pleasure, if not the point, of it’s presence in my mind.  I have a desire to write it to help save the me that is lost and hope that if anyone else reads it that they can identify in some small way.

This still makes no sense so I guess I will try to write what my brain is trying to forget before it’s too late and the epiphany is gone.

Okay, so that is what I originally wrote down after pondering on the idea that came to my mind one day while riding in the car to church.  The idea, the lost feeling I had, was startling to me at first, but I realized that I’ve been there before and it’s always when my heart and mind are not focused on my relationship with the savior of the world, the savior of me.

I’m a nobody.  I’m a selfish, grumpy, uncaring person outside of the relationship I have with Jesus Christ as savior and sustainer of my soul.  When I do not pursue holiness and I take for granted the Gospel of salvation and peace, then I’m left with just the ugly me.  I’ve lived enough to know that all the beauty that I have is not my own, but it comes from him.  It is an overflowing of the cup, like in the Psalm.

The reason I felt so lost is I had gotten so wrapped up in the living of every day life that I had neglected the one thing that satisfies my heart and gives me the joy of completing another day.  But, Jesus, in his great love for me, pursued me, he saved my soul and today he continues to save my life.  He is the great bridegroom who cherishes his bride and would pursue her to the ends of the earth.

It’s amazing to me that he loves me so much that even in this small way, in the car where I felt so blah and bland, he took the time to speak to my heart and remind me of who I am.  The me I want to be, the true me that is good and joyful, sweet and lovely, is from him and because of him.  I’m made lovely because of the love that was given to me.

Outer beauty is a temporary thing that we can try to cling desperately to as we age, but listen, the beauty of the heart, that is who we really are and that will never fade.  So, I choose the inner beauty of the heart and mine is a gift that I cherish today and hopefully will not forget tomorrow.


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