News #BlogBattle by Marnie Schroer

In an announcement that is sending shockwaves through this once tight-knit community, Carol Simpson, longtime resident of Upper East Southwestville, claims that she recently purchased the “perfect” pair of jeans. According to Simpson, this unprecedented occurrence took place on Saturday, May 24th, at the Dalton’s Discount Duds on Curmudgeon Drive.

“I brought a zillion clothes into the dressing room (editor’s note: cctv footage shows that Simpson had 13 items)…with no real expectations. The jeans were the last thing I tried on and I just stood there dumbstruck for a minute. They were exactly what I wanted–mid-rise, dark wash, straight-leg–AND they fit.”

While no official confirmation of Simpson’s claim has yet been issued, store clerk Jessi-Bell Turner did see Simpson exit the dressing room and charge towards the checkout counter. “I knew she must have found a good deal–or realized that she left her front hose running. She was that focused.” Another clerk, Brandi Turner, confirmed that Simpson made a purchase from the “Misses Casual Pants” collection but could only remember that the garment didn’t seem to “have any bling on the pockets.”

Simpson says that she paid for her purchase and hurried out. She was already in her car before she realized that she’d forgotten her friend and shopping companion, Andrea Smith, back in the store.

“She called me on my cell and made me come out to the car. She wouldn’t come back into the store; I had to leave a scented candle set!” said Mrs. Smith when contacted. “Carol wouldn’t even show me the jeans for fear I’d want a pair for myself. She’s my best friend and I love her, but that’s just not very Christian.”

On average, an American woman owns 7 pairs of jeans. One in 4 of those women owns over 10 pairs, but only 1 in 2,117,655,347 women has a pair of jeans that fits and is flattering. That potentially puts Simpson in some very elite company.

“Historians say that Elizabeth Taylor had two perfect pairs of jeans and there are conflicting reports of a possible set of qualifying denim pedal pushers as well, but that’s the Holy Grail,” explains television fashion guru Tim Gunn. “Most women are lucky to find one good pair of jeans when they’re young. Unfortunately, those wear out or go out of style. By the time most women reach 40, they’ve given up and expect a lifetime of elastic waists and scratchy polyester.”

Carol Simpson declined to give her age for this article, but sources suggest that she graduated from Curtis Purdy High School in 1985, which, if true, suggests that she is in her late forties.

When asked if she would model the jeans for this reporter, Carol declined, stating that she is saving them for a special occasion. She did claim to have modeled them for her husband, Arnold Simpson. Mr. Simpson was unable to to recall many specifics about this event as it was coincident with the Seahawks game, but he did state that he was “sure they looked fine.”

Meanwhile, Jessi-Bell Turner reports that there has been a noticeable increase in traffic in the Misses section at Dalton’s. “They extended my shift by an hour to make sure we have enough clerks. I haven’t noticed an increase in jeans sales, but the sparkly cat t-shirts are going fast.”

Copyright 2015 Marnie Schroer All Rights Reserved.